Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Cry-baby

My sister in law, Katie mentioned the other day that since she has had her baby she cries at things she would never have cried at before. This made me laugh, because the same thing happened to me.

I feel like I barely ever cried before I graduated from college. Then I started crying a bit during my mission. Although this sounds a little over-dramatic, I honestly think it is because I finally learned a little bit about sadness. My life up to that point was pretty easy, and, despite any teenage complaining, was really happy. Even my personal mission life wasn't very extraordinary; however, I think that when you try and help God with his work you get to feel a little of a weight that is too great for you and the emotions, both sad and happy that are too much for you. So I think I started to understand sadness on my mission, not my own, but other people's. That helped me start crying a bit (but no more than reason).

I got married and I started crying more. This, I think, had noting to do with sadness and all to do with outward influences. Namely Chris. Mostly, I think this happened because Chris likes staying up super late and I need a lot of sleep. I was sleep deprived and in that happy-stressed newlywedd state a Starburst commercial could make me weepy because of it's incredible beauty.

Then I had Soapy and I have not been the same since. This in when the waterfalls of heaven were opened up and poured out my eyes (Hmm, I thought that metaphor would work but it is weird and a little disturbing. Sorry.) If I am alone I can cry on demand.

In fact I'll do it right now... I did it. Right this second my eyes are full of tears. All I did was imagine a grown up Sophie reading this blog as a young mother herself. Oh gag. I know, it's embarrassing. It's not just tears. I feel 'moved' all the time. I can watch a pop tv show and laugh at people who find it meaningful, but be crying for the meaning of it at the same time.

I don't really know what this means. I would like to think I just feel things more deeply, but I think the truth is that my nerves are synapsing in some weird way. I find meaning and cry at things that I know have no meaning. How does that even make sense? Now I am weeping at the chaos of it all.

Anyway, sometimes if I am in a group of people I have to bite the inside of my cheek really really hard so I won't burst into loud sobs. And of course, sometimes that backfires because I bite too hard and then I let out an embarrassing whimper.

Ugh. What a crybaby.
I am so tired.

6 comments:

Lisa Lou said...

I usually can't cry around people. But, man, if I'm by myself, yep, those heaven's tears come pouring out of my eyes. And I haven't even had children.

Katie said...

Ha! Glad we're (family) friends. :)

Chris said...

sometimes I don't stay up late though. And sometimes it is because you give me too many chores to do before bedtime. Or rather I put them off before bedtime hoping that You will let me go to bed without doing them.

Nathan said...

You give Chris chores? I should do that!!!

Is this a serious post? There are parts that I know are serious and other parts, I just don't know. It's the whole biting the inside of your mouth that I find very skeptical...and yet not....so, I don't know. And sometimes you say things that sound so serious and yet I find later you were joking. Wow. Am I making any sense? It's late...okay, not that late but I already downed the NyQuil so, I guess I should stop leaving comments on people's blogs.

Nathan said...

Uhh....it's Becky...not Nathan....uhh. Okay, goodnight.

Oh and by the way, I fulfilled your crazy assignment or "request". Got any more brain busters?

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