Sunday, November 17, 2013

Not a proportional response

So all day long I have felt really guilty about not going to church today. We had our one primary practice before the primary program today, and they REALLY could have used my help, but I didn't show up. I feel like a total jerk. Why did I not go? Because Jojo was sick. She threw up right as she was going down the stairs to get into the car. I cleaned her up and, she seemed better and I really thought I should go to church anyway so we all piled in the car...and she threw up again half way there. So we gave up and came home where we spent our day eating applesauce and toast and reading The Princess and the Goblin.

I had an excellent reason to stay home but I still felt super guilty. Unecessarily guilty. It's not like primary programs are the end of the world. It's not like I am not totally replaceable as a primary program helper...but still. The guilt. 

It always bothers me when my emotions don't match up with my reality. When I am  really sad for silly reasons or lose my temper over nothing. I know everyone does it but it makes me feel terribly unbalanced. Also, I feel, in some ways it diminishes my credibility. (I'm not sure with whom, because I usually don't talk about it much.) It's such an adolescent thing. Such a stereotypically, sexist girl thing. To be consumed by unprovoked emotion, especially when it is related to my period (which frankly it often is).

I think it's totally normal, it but also manifests in mental illness sometimes.There was a girl I met at the eating disorder clinic who told me this weird thing. Her eating disorder was really the least of her problems. She did this thing where anytime she heard about people doing something awful, she felt like she had done it. For example if she was watching the news about a mother who had beaten her baby, she felt like she was that person. Even though logically she knew she hadn't she felt the guilt and the badness of it. What a horrible thing. It made her work triply hard to be a good person. She was really young, college age, and was a straight A student who had already been a Relief SOciety President multiple times. She said she was spending her whole life trying to prove she was the person she felt like. She was really sad all the time and always trying to hide it. It was kind of heartbreaking to watch.

Now that I think about it, you can see this illogical emotion(I wish I knew a more accurate term) a lot in depression. Sometimes instead of feeling more strongly than the situation merits you feel less. I've done that, in fact I use it as a measurement for when I am really depressed. Things that normally I would be excited about or that would make me laugh leave me feeling...nothing. And sometimes I can't imagine being happy. Not that I am sad either, just nothing. Luckily for me I have always been on the mild side of this. Have you already read Hyperbole and a Half's depression posts? You should. They are pretty tragic and educational. Always a good mix.

Anyway now I am thinking about depression and feeling dark and moody, which is not where I particularly wanted to go this evening. Luckily, LUCKILY, this is just a result of PMS and not severe depression. Wow, I am so lucky for that. Depression is a scary thing. I encourage you all to think more about depression and to learn some warning signs for yourself and for others. Because depression is sooooo sneaky. It sneaks up on you and you think it's part of your personality. You think that it's just the way you are. But that's a lie, it's no more a part of you than a cold. The good news is that unlike a common cold, there are treatments for it. Things you can do yourself and things other people can do for you. 

The end.

p.s. Can anyone identify where the title comes from?


Bryan Lewis said...

Title: West Wing, Season 1, Episode 3! That was a good one...

I loved reading Hyperbole and a Half when I was at BYU. So funny.

Bryan Lewis said...

Bam. I totally knew that title was from West Wing before I saw Bryan's comment.

And, related to depression, I may have been a bit hysterical (as in, emotionally unbalanced--not funny ha ha) two nights ago over the fact that I was not in labor and getting to be done being pregnant early. That combined with Bryan having to be at school all day on a Saturday instead of pampering me like I had been looking forward to. Even in the moment I knew I was being ridiculous--who really wants their baby to come 2 months early and cries more than 3 times about their husband having an extra day of school?--but, man, those woman hormones are tricky little beasts.

Have fun PMSing. At least right now it's just you and not you + all 3 of your girls PMSing at the same time. ;)

Bryan Lewis said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just realized I left that last comment under Bryan's account. Oh how I wish it was really him saying all those things. Bahahahahaha. Depression cured.


Lisa Lou said...

I like how you said there are things you can do yourself and things people can do for you. I love my OB forever because she helped me see that when I had minor PPD. And I'm grateful I recognized it in myself early because I knew signs to watch for. It still was horrible and lonely but manageable.

Kathy Haynie said...

Love you.

Chris and Paige Evans said...

Just want to say I love reading your blog - you're so open and honest and funny. I missed Sophia yesterday at church, but I wouldn't have come if my kids were barfing either. Hopefully see you next week :)